One-Liners from My Diary

I actually call the notebook where I scribble all my thoughts and feelings my journal, but “diary” is a way more clickbait-y word. Many quotes are also longer than one line. Sorry for lying. Let me know if you have a favorite— or least favorite— and why it spoke to you.

1. An old Persian woman saw me crying in my mom’s car and wiped my tears away. I wish she hadn’t interrupted my cry, it was just getting good.

2. Whatever, moving on now. Need to be more insane maybe. That’s never the right answer. But it does invigorate me sometimes.

3. I started crying during sex. Technically I made sex stop so I could cry, but whatever.

4. I wish I didn’t have a mustache right now, even though it’s a sign of a strong bloodline.

5. I’m on my period. My emotions aren’t real.

6. Wow the way today was only Tuesday holy shit I have no idea what’s going on.

7. Had so much fun with Naomi tonight. We truly queened out. I sense something sinister in her. LOL. We’ll see.

8. She’s a beautiful beacon of light and her husband is a fat ashki who doesn’t say her name quite right.

9. I am so delightful to be around. People are so lucky when I’m myself around them, even at 30%. Even less probably. I was funny at the stupid Hebrew school job interview. That was only like 5% of my wit.

10. Need/want a neck massage. Will request one tomorrow if I have sex.

11. What a year it’s been! I’d say mostly a bad one.

12. I’m noticing a number of guys in LA who are straight but really seem like they could be gay.

13. Cry cry cry. All you do is cry Gail. Relax.

14. God I fucking love pesto.

15. I did not need to jack off before going to sleep and yet I did. And it was so mid.

16. Saw that girl (she’s in her 30s and divorced but whatever still a girl)

17. Also can’t forget I’m on my period so all of my emotions are fake. Very important to remember this. Modern medicine has made it so that whenever I get my stupid period I think “Like a child” i.e. a 14 year old, even though this is supposed to happen til I’m fucking 60 or whatever.

18. All these fucking Jews go to third rate Cardozo.

19. Ughhh I hate imagining very lifelike scenarios with a boy who does not want me until I unexpectedly make myself cry, but I’m just so good at it.

20. Womanhood is figuring out which amateur pornstars you like to watch

21. God bless the pervert who invented the vibrator. He (I assume a man but maybe not) knew women already work too hard in their daily lives. They shouldn’t have to break their wrists to cum.

22. That’s my fate. To be a single 32 year old trying to find someone to love me. Dating 40+ year olds who are also dating 22 year olds. Oh god. Maybe at that point I’d take an arranged marriage.

23. Is it such a crime that I want to have really good sex with someone?? I don’t think so.

24. I gotta marry someone with better job security than me. Not even rich, just more stable. God I’m already settling.

25. I’m fully on my period but it’s not making me even a little bit suicidal. Isn’t that awesome!?

26. It’s kind of crazy how hot and young I am. Everywhere I go I just keep being really sexy. I just can’t turn it off. One day aging will hit me like a truck and I’ll freak the fuck out, but I can’t worry about that old bitch right now. She understands.

27. Holy mother of fuck! I just like to say that.